His father was a womanizer that used the Night Club as an excuse for what he did. He saw his father as a man who abandoned his family for a woman, and his mother abandoned him for a man. Her father was never there and she saw her mother go from man to man. The results of this is one man who is now dealing with commitment issues, another who can’t commit and can’t trust women, and a woman who is bouncing from relationship to relationship looking for a father who was non-existent.
The fact is parents many times don’t realize the affect that their successes and/or failures in love have directly on their kids. Whether it’s staying together or breaking up at some point it becomes a measuring stick for what kids will eventually do in their relationships and not even know where it came from. Even more disturbing than the kids not knowing where it comes from, is the parent’s denial as to where it comes from. It is easier to shift the blame than it is to accept the responsibility for what they’ve been exposed to.
As kids we all want our parents to stay together forever, and if they were never together we wish that they had been. Truth is that them staying or being together is not always exactly best either. If the relationship is toxic it is better that they separate and show us a healthy relationship with someone else than teach us to accept the unhealthy alternative. It’s situations like this which teach men and women adultery and abuse is alright. It even leaves them believing this is an acceptable form of love.
When I talked to the first gentlemen, we’ll call him Michael. His father was open with his adultery in front of him. Though Michael knows it was wrong, his father taught him that any type of financial success afforded him the luxury of having as many women as he wanted. However it wasn’t just his fathers’ actions, but his mothers’ acceptance of them that made it appear alright. Couple that with the fact that he continues to meet women who accept what he does because of his financial status, what Michael was taught is only reinforced. Though it will make you criticize what he was taught, you would also have to ask what the women were taught.
The next person I spoke to was Carvin. His father left home when he was only 10 years old. His mother eventually allowed men to become more important than Carvin which left him with abandonment and trust issues. The things he has taken from his parents have left him unable to commit or be a father to his own kids. What I found strange about this case was while he saw all of his fathers’ flaws he didn’t see his mothers’ at all. After going further into it, he revealed that his mother even blamed his father for what she did. For Carvin this erased any fault his mother may have had in who he ultimately became. The truth is it took both of his parents to create who he now has become.
For most young girls, how she should be treated by a man is first taught by her father. In Sheila’s case her father was never in her life. The only thing she knew of a father figure were revolving door boyfriends her mother had. No man ever stayed around for any extended period of time, which taught her that men don’t stay. Though it would be easy to put this blame on her father, it was actually her mother who gave her the negative example. Her mother who was so eager to be loved believed that she had to have the love of a man. She never knew the importance of loving herself so in turn never taught Sheila. This spilled over into Sheila’s life and has caused her to be a direct reflection of who her mother was.
In each of these cases it would be too easy to point the finger at the father. At a closer glance you see it actually does take two. It doesn’t matter if you’re the one doing wrong or accepting it being done, you’re still teaching your children wrong is right. Be mindful of what you allow your kids to see, and remember that if you don’t one day it may come back to haunt you.